His tender mercies

Since my blog is a journal of sorts, I wanted to write down some experiences and feelings from the last year for my children to one day read.

This last year and a half have been really hard on me. After the birth of Brooks and the huge mounting stress, and going through some problems with mastitis, one evening both my spirit and body caved. I had fallen asleep with a severe headache, and awoke to flashing lights and weird brain vibration sensations. My words were slurred and my body shook in fear. Something was deeply wrong! Each day I dealt with with dizziness, anxiety, and fears of what was happening to my body. My eyes became very sensitive to light. My concentration was severely impacted. From that one scary night- forward, started a cascade of downward spiraling events in my life. I developed a really severe case of postpartum depression and anxiety. I cannot fully describe the state of being I was in- the only thing I can say is that it was a freaky place that I DO NOT wish to revisit. I felt as though I was walking around in a fog- for so long. My life no longer meant anything to me. Tears and loneliness and longing for feeling normal again consumed my life. I have been told that I hid all of this well. The only real physical symptom anyone noticed was the increasing dark circles under my eyes.

Going on simultaneously was a progressing case of TMJ disorder that started causing me severe pain in my neck, jaw, face and shoulders. And some scary dizziness. I had been rear ended in an accident just 2 months before Brook's birth. The Dr. thinks this may have been a major factor in triggering my TMJ disorder. I have been walking around in chronic pain for a long time. Everything just seemed to get really twisted. I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel like me at all. I remember walking past a mirror one morning and stopping to stare at a women I really didn't recognize. I grabbed my cheeks and I think I even cried out loud and asked God if he could see me, hear me, or see what was happening to me. I pleaded for help in finding Lily.

The end of last summer I found myself reaching out to a friend here in my ward. Shawn was the only one I had confided in. Though with him him it was minimal- I am not sure why. I love my husband and trust in him. But I wasn't sure he understood or even knew how to help me. And believe me, I felt like I needed help. This friend automatically reached out and embraced me. She told me she had gone through something similar (minus the TMJ disorder). She told me to be strong, and that eventually it will get better. I clung to her words very strongly after that. In fact, I built faith off her words. She called me, texted me, came over. Always making sure I was doing okay. She even picked me up for the gym last fall when my car was being worked on- all just to help me. I love my dear friend for her service to me. This is the first intention of my post. To share that I have learned that we are here in this life to help one another. If we constantly make excuses about why we can't visit or call those we love, and especially those we know who are struggling, we may forfeit opportunities for personal growth and changes in another persons life. I think that each of us can be the answer to another persons prayers. Perfectly orchestrated by a higher power.

Patience and the faith built off of my friends loving words have paid off. The depression and panic attacks are now gone. I love this quote by President Spencer W. Kimball: "There are no corners so dark, no deserts so uninhabited, no canyons so remote, no automobiles so hidden, no homes so tightly shut, that the all-seeing eye of our Father can penetrate and observe." Surely if this quote is true, God has seen and will someday acknowledge the monstrosity that has occurred in my young girl life. If he indeed saw this extreme and scary state I was in, then surely the lords sacrifice can heal me- redeem what I have lost during that time. Mostly, memories of my Brooks as a baby. I can't remember much. There are emotional scars that I will always carry from this. Being the Mother to this little boy meant everything to me. I only wish there was a way to go back and relive this time in my life. I would love to have been a more emotionally healthy Mother to him in his infancy.

Just as troubling was all the pain I was suffering in my jaw joint. However, I know the lord is mindful of me. My TMJ pain is at a minimal with the help of therapy. My neck, shoulder and head muscles have improved. My jaw joint has mended. The depression & anxiety is now gone. Needless to say, I have felt the tender and loving mercies of the Lord. He knows me, he knows you. He will never forget us, even in our darkest hours.

...cast thy burdens upon the Lord,
and he shall sustain thee. Psalms 55:22